Feb 11, 2008

All this time, she was hiding in the Garden !

My thoughts started eating away at me like a parasite, I had no more room to harbor the emotional ghost that I've carried with me for more than six years. The exterior of my being was of a young black twenty - four year old female, but it was only a disguise of my true pains, like a prosthetic worn to hide a deformity.

As spring surrounded me everywhere, I too wanted to acquire the ability to bloom a new. It was time; I no longer wanted to feel my strength of mind wither into non-existence. I contemplated with my thoughts like a tug of war, trying to come to terms on how. How do I start this journey that I’ve been afraid to take alone for the last three years? Reveling my true identity to my self, facing the mirror and staring at the inside. Maybe I wasn’t the only one with this defect of not knowing how to let things go and move on as they came and left my life. It was like the infamous saying, “forgive, and forget”. If you forgive do you ever really forget, and vice versa. If this is part of your experience in life, that is meant to be used as a protective shield so there will not be a second occurrence are you truly suppose to forget? Questions gone unanswered can drive a person crazy, which is not the choice category I wanted to be labeled. So slowly I dissected my thoughts. Choice word being dissected, because peeling the outer shell, exposed me to a new pain that I wasn’t aware I could feel. Learning to feel was the hardest part of the transition. I was becoming raw to all my inner emotions that were locked away for so long. In essence I didn’t like who I was, or who I was becoming. I needed justification of my self worth. Love, acceptance, sex, the need of feeling wanted emotionally, mentally, and physically, this emotional equation usually leads down the wrong path if not controlled. It happens to the best of us, and as I can only speak for myself, and from my experiences it caused me to lose focus on the foundation of my life. The answer to this equation is initially simple, “learn to love yourself”, and the priceless riches of life will follow. Easier said then done. Especially coming from someone who didn’t familiarize with the luxury till her early twenties, when in general conversation a friend made a comment “ You need to learn to love yourself.” I was taken aback; there was no self-history of that emotion before that moment in my life. After I came to terms that I didn’t know how express love for “me”, I was quite astonished at my own ignorance. No I wasn’t immune to it, just didn’t know it could exist. What a huge breakthrough I thought, but soon to discover that this was just a scratch on the surface. How do you learn to love someone you didn’t know existed as an individual?

Here I was a mother, and a wife, and I didn’t know how to love myself. I had to reassure my self that I was capable of the act of loving. I love my child, and I love my husband, but I didn’t love myself. Something was very wrong. Did I love or was I just committing myself to the situation at hand, adjusting to what my life had become ultimately. I was lost in a chaotic whirlwind of emotional confusion, and it hurt. It hurt because the truth was evident I was just playing a role. I didn’t know why I was, where I was in my life. It is as if I had sudden amnesia I didn’t know how I got here. I wanted out but I knew that was impossible, that would just add to the invisible list of disappointments I had created for myself. The emotional equation submerged again, but this time I decided to analyze it. I wanted to know where I went wrong. Not knowing love, but wanting to be accepted by whoever would accept, and confusing sex with being loved, or being in love. It was all a disillusion, I felt empty, and my heart ached. How did my thoughts become so disorganized? Was these thoughts implemented by family, society or by my choice of friends? It was evident I was trying to blame everyone but myself. I had to many faults to hide, and too little accomplishments to discuss. I had to revisit my past learn to deal with my pains, let go and move on, great plan I thought. Afraid to be alone, stopped me from being able to move forth in my life. Faking happiness was becoming harder, and harder. I was deceiving not just myself; my daughter was now part of the lie. Most people a wait the moment that they can claim their independence as they’re own. To be classified as the “single mother”, caused me to shake in my own skin. What was my self worth, what did I have to show for my time on earth. Was I a waste of breath, one of God’s experiments gone bad. My life resume; A child born out of wedlock, lack of education, a marriage built on lust, and mounds of bills. And don’t get me wrong I loved my daughter, she was my greatest accomplishment if not the only great accomplishment, and one of the priceless riches of life, other then that…I was a lifeless garden, with the ability to blossom, but where was the water, sunlight, or nurturing. It was central love of ones self. To grow one needs to allow the soul to weep…and so I weep in hopes my inner spring will bloom.

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