May 16, 2008

I hate being pregnant

Yes I said it.. "I absolutely hate it". I hear women who enjoy every second of it. To me it is pure torture what women have to go through. I am completely miserable, I feel fatigued and bored with my self twenty four seven. It seems like it will never end. Makes me jealous that I am not a bear... (smile) I don't have the ability to hybernate cause if I could I would. I just want it to stop all the symptoms, so I can go on with my days and feel happy to be alive again. I know some of you are disgusted with my comment but at this point I just don't care what anyone thinks... I know it will be worth it in the end but the process is a bitch. And to think I have like almost six months to go. How will I ever survive even another second....

May 13, 2008

My Wish for a Better Tomorrow

Many people hope for the end of war, peace on earth, or even lower gas prices. Me I hope for something more amusing, the day that a man can experience pregnancy.. I think this will truly claim equality. Till then women are the more intelligent evolved gender. Damn we could out number them and reproduce alone if we wanted. The thought gives me smiles.

Feb 28, 2008

Can the heart have premonitions of a future life?




How unexpected circumstantial moments of our life can mark the changing point. Seeing everything clearly for the first instance. Its shocking to discover that the difference between communicating and connection are far from similarity. To suddenly discover a mind with familiar thoughts can be orgasmic, like experiencing a the spiritual birth. The unleashing of your soul. This is just my interpretation of soul mates. A bond born before conception of the individuals destined to interlock spirits.

Feb 25, 2008

Keeping the Ugly Out

It seems this past week has taken me captive. But its only life doing what it does best. A romantic get a way with the hubby. A snow storm. An ice storm. A weekend with friends. All cushioned between my regular activies. Enjoy life my father says to me as if it is a secret. Live each day as if your last, don't sweat the small stuff. Easier said then done, I realized during my weekend trip to the big apple.

A three day trip to the city that never sleeps, planned to celebrate my sisiters thirty somthing birthday. We had it all laid out quarters in the Marriot Marquis, shopping in SoHo, a play on broadway, with dinner in timesquare to end the night. Glitz without the drama we believed would be our reality. Though our plans went as scheduled it was the transition to each that made our stomach flip over and over and over. It seemed the four of us would accomplish revealing the ugly version all humans keep hidden till the secret button underneth our sensitvie spot is pushed. New Yorkers can be so harsh.. I whispered underneath my breath, and smiled away, refusing to let their ugly in.

Feb 17, 2008

Mental Reality: Northern Illinois University: Massacre 101

Mental Reality: Northern Illinois University: Massacre 101

Northern Illinois University: Massacre 101

Another tragedy occurs on the life of America's future. I find it amazing that the new popularity contest ends with multiple deaths and a suicide....

My mouth dropped open as I watched in horror what seemed like a rerun of the massacre that took place not even a year ago at Virginia Tech. I remember the days when something like this surround the characters of followers of a cult leader. It was becoming too familiar a scene on TV I realized. Like more of a episode of a bad reality show. I couldn't imagine what would make an upcoming model student want to kill. Was it caused by some form of mental dysfunction, or a cry for society to pay closer attention to its upcoming leaders of the next generation. Is this a sign ?

Comments from people that new the shooter, raved about his contribution to the community, good student and role as a leader. Behavioral habits wouldn't serve as a clue to identify this young mans troubles. Nonetheless, not knowing what sparked this action may be America's next biggest killer.

Massacre 101 is in need of cure, I must believe that prayer as a nation is our only hope.

Feb 14, 2008

What ever happened to flowers for your Valentine ?




I was completely uninterested in participating in the festivities of Valentines Day. The loving holiday that use to characterize cupid as the hero that marked you for love, has become a candidate for economic gain. It amazes me how the simplicities of a holiday no longer exist, the true meaning for certain celebrations no longer interest people. We as a society have become so materialistic that going into debt is more of a trend. I miss the days when a flower, card and candy would seal the deal. As I sit back and look out my window at the hundreds of people exploring this night of love I wonder how many feel as I do.

Feb 12, 2008

5 tips to save money without interrupting your shopping.


I know we have heard it many times, about saving money for a rainy day. Unfortunately society doesn't allow for that. I don't remember last time I walked around with enough cash in my pocket to avoid using that shiny plastic card linked to my bank account. Everything these days seem to be credit card equiped. I have to say that is when I truely knew that I had to reanalyze my spending habits when I ran into a soda machines that accepted credit cards. I've listed below a few things I did to save a few extra dollars;




  1. NO MORE STARBUCKS: Cut back on my daily addiction to the infamous Green Tea frapp which I swore I couldn't live without. Now I make my own ! It taste better too

  2. PAY MY SELF FIRST: Increasing my 401k budget by 1% every time I received a raise. Did you know that the more money you add the more money your company will give you.

  3. SHOP DISCOUNT STORES: Shopping at discount stores like Marshalls, and ROSS. They have the same stuff for way less. And you can almost always find brand name items for as much as 70% off. If you don't like to go out to shop, check out stores like Overstock.com or Amazon. Remember the one mans trash is another mans treasure.

  4. WHEN IN DOUBT BROWN BAG IT: When I started doing this I became incredibly shocked to find out the amount of money I was throwing away on a daily basis. I approximated almost $200.00 per month. Trust me you will definately see a difference in this area of your budget.

  5. JOIN A DISCOUNT CLUB: Discount clubs like BJ's and COSCO are so budget friendly. You can save so much if you purchase household items such as toilet paper, toothpaste, deoderant and detergent. Just to name a few. They last a long time. I can't remember last time I had to purchase these items.

These are just a few things that you can change that won't be too difficult. In the long run it will be worth having the extra cash.

Barack Obama Wins Virginia!

CNN has just projected that Barack Obama has won Virginia.

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Stillborn baby dumped in plastic bag with mum's belongings

"Tanya Shelby endured every woman's worst nightmare when she lost her baby during pregnancy. But the Ballarat mother went through a living hell when she found the remains of her stillborn boy dumped in a plastic belongings bag in her hospital room. Now the family is considering legal action against Ballarat Base Hospital..."

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Were you denied Social Credit ?




Education a four -syllable word in text, but to some a realm not encoutered. The mind embellished in its own container has the capacity to hold the equivalence to galaxy. A canvas blank, dehydrated in need of paint to encompass its existence. Society measures the length of your survival by your academic distance, even when the stride is maximized by determination. If not carefully held in reserve, they excavate the time capsule in which your goals where achieved in a means to evaluate your victory, and find you in inapt to your claims of success. But wouldn’t you rather be cross-examined then overlooked and considered insignificant? A need to stop classification of individuals based on the bill paid for their schooling, vehicle, clothing and other materialistic junk needs to be implemented within our society. The practice of categorizing and placing each person into the appropriate social class is consistent with segregation. When will it all stop ?

Feb 11, 2008

All this time, she was hiding in the Garden !

My thoughts started eating away at me like a parasite, I had no more room to harbor the emotional ghost that I've carried with me for more than six years. The exterior of my being was of a young black twenty - four year old female, but it was only a disguise of my true pains, like a prosthetic worn to hide a deformity.

As spring surrounded me everywhere, I too wanted to acquire the ability to bloom a new. It was time; I no longer wanted to feel my strength of mind wither into non-existence. I contemplated with my thoughts like a tug of war, trying to come to terms on how. How do I start this journey that I’ve been afraid to take alone for the last three years? Reveling my true identity to my self, facing the mirror and staring at the inside. Maybe I wasn’t the only one with this defect of not knowing how to let things go and move on as they came and left my life. It was like the infamous saying, “forgive, and forget”. If you forgive do you ever really forget, and vice versa. If this is part of your experience in life, that is meant to be used as a protective shield so there will not be a second occurrence are you truly suppose to forget? Questions gone unanswered can drive a person crazy, which is not the choice category I wanted to be labeled. So slowly I dissected my thoughts. Choice word being dissected, because peeling the outer shell, exposed me to a new pain that I wasn’t aware I could feel. Learning to feel was the hardest part of the transition. I was becoming raw to all my inner emotions that were locked away for so long. In essence I didn’t like who I was, or who I was becoming. I needed justification of my self worth. Love, acceptance, sex, the need of feeling wanted emotionally, mentally, and physically, this emotional equation usually leads down the wrong path if not controlled. It happens to the best of us, and as I can only speak for myself, and from my experiences it caused me to lose focus on the foundation of my life. The answer to this equation is initially simple, “learn to love yourself”, and the priceless riches of life will follow. Easier said then done. Especially coming from someone who didn’t familiarize with the luxury till her early twenties, when in general conversation a friend made a comment “ You need to learn to love yourself.” I was taken aback; there was no self-history of that emotion before that moment in my life. After I came to terms that I didn’t know how express love for “me”, I was quite astonished at my own ignorance. No I wasn’t immune to it, just didn’t know it could exist. What a huge breakthrough I thought, but soon to discover that this was just a scratch on the surface. How do you learn to love someone you didn’t know existed as an individual?

Here I was a mother, and a wife, and I didn’t know how to love myself. I had to reassure my self that I was capable of the act of loving. I love my child, and I love my husband, but I didn’t love myself. Something was very wrong. Did I love or was I just committing myself to the situation at hand, adjusting to what my life had become ultimately. I was lost in a chaotic whirlwind of emotional confusion, and it hurt. It hurt because the truth was evident I was just playing a role. I didn’t know why I was, where I was in my life. It is as if I had sudden amnesia I didn’t know how I got here. I wanted out but I knew that was impossible, that would just add to the invisible list of disappointments I had created for myself. The emotional equation submerged again, but this time I decided to analyze it. I wanted to know where I went wrong. Not knowing love, but wanting to be accepted by whoever would accept, and confusing sex with being loved, or being in love. It was all a disillusion, I felt empty, and my heart ached. How did my thoughts become so disorganized? Was these thoughts implemented by family, society or by my choice of friends? It was evident I was trying to blame everyone but myself. I had to many faults to hide, and too little accomplishments to discuss. I had to revisit my past learn to deal with my pains, let go and move on, great plan I thought. Afraid to be alone, stopped me from being able to move forth in my life. Faking happiness was becoming harder, and harder. I was deceiving not just myself; my daughter was now part of the lie. Most people a wait the moment that they can claim their independence as they’re own. To be classified as the “single mother”, caused me to shake in my own skin. What was my self worth, what did I have to show for my time on earth. Was I a waste of breath, one of God’s experiments gone bad. My life resume; A child born out of wedlock, lack of education, a marriage built on lust, and mounds of bills. And don’t get me wrong I loved my daughter, she was my greatest accomplishment if not the only great accomplishment, and one of the priceless riches of life, other then that…I was a lifeless garden, with the ability to blossom, but where was the water, sunlight, or nurturing. It was central love of ones self. To grow one needs to allow the soul to weep…and so I weep in hopes my inner spring will bloom.

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